News & Politics

Monica's Diary

Entry 1

Dear Diary,

I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House....and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.

Entry 2

Dear Diary,

You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the
president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.

Entry 3

Dear Diary,

I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.

Entry 4

Dear Diary,

He really likes me.

Entry 5

Dear Diary,

I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something.  But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone.
  He calls me "1-900 Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine
hundred. That's pretty special.)

Entry 6

Dear Diary,

I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

Entry 7

Dear Diary,

I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

Entry 8

Dear Diary,

Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.

Entry 9

Dear Diary,

I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones case.  What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.

Entry 10

Dear Diary,

I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.

Entry 11

Dear Diary,

Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop.  It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.

Entry 12

Dear Diary,

It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."

Entry 13

Dear Diary,

All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp.  I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.

Entry 14

Dear Diary,

Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Whatshisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no-brainer!)

Entry 15

Dear Diary,

They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

Entry 16

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.


Entry 17

Dear Diary,

They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!

Entry 18

Dear Diary,

Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office.  Me and my big mouth!

Entry 19

Dear Diary,

I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies  that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a  sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy, and my most favorite -- Good Bill Humping. I hope Spielberg will direct.

I love my country, it's the government I'm
afraid of.