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|Monica's Diary Joke|
What's The Joke Monica's Diary?
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House....and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the
president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.
He really likes me.
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone.
He calls me "1-900 Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine
hundred. That's pretty special.)
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.
Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.
It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."
All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.
Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Whatshisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no-brainer!)
They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.
Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.
They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!
Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!
I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy, and my most favorite -- Good Bill Humping. I hope Spielberg will direct.
I love my country, it's the government I'm
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