Something Funny

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes



December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought
your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at
your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes



December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the
extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three
French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love, Agnes



December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered
four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough
is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes



December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the
postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible,
but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes



December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door
today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the
birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes



December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those
freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this?
There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking
birds.

Sincerely, Agnes



December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with
all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There
is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smartass.

Agnes



December 22, 1972

Hey Sh*thead:

What are you? Some
kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play.
They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours! Agnes



December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies
dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those
pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of sh*t. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you! Agnes



December 24, 1972

Listen F*ckhead:

What's with those eleven
lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All
twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes



December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your
latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and
Chole